Well, we've made it to the two month mark and everyone has survived. Somehow, by some miraculous stroke of luck, Hawksley has started doing his nights. (I still credit this book entirely) My grumpy little gus has finally started to smile - and not just from gas. The other day, mum was actually funny! ME! My child showed the slightest interest in me! You know that question your friends ask you as a little kid: Would you rather be smart, pretty or funny? FUNNY. I WOULD RATHER BE FUNNY. AND WHEN MY KID DOESN'T LAUGH AT ME IT'S THE WORST. OK, so he doesn't laugh yet, but he has dimples right below his eyes that are starting to show themselves more regularly and they're serious heart clinchers.
Firstly, his blankie in this photo is very special. When I was young, my dad passed away before I could get to know him the way an adult might. As far as mementos go, I have a necklace and a watch, and a few gifts he gave my mom when they first started dating. I didn't have anything of his when he was young, and I thought this was really tragic - especially once I had my son. My family was all girls - all girl cousins. So having a boy was extra special. My dad's mom gave me this blanket that her mom knit for him when he was first born. What a treasure!
We discovered Hawksley is only "really" happy at the lake. He's still an easy baby; quiet, contemplative and a deep thinker. But when he first felt the breeze on his hair while we were walking along the grassy peninsula this past weekend, he really smiled. Like, a true, warm your soul smile. We plopped him down in his baby chair in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows as the sun poured in on him. He sat there looking at the water for hours. He ate on the dock, pausing to throw his head back in the wind and listen to the thunder. He's really living up to his stormy middle name. He's his happiest outdoors, so we bought him a little baby outdoor tent to chill in. It was the best $59 purchase I've made for him yet. Our little outdoorsmen! It was so incredible to see him reacting so strongly to nature. Like - how?
Overall, he looks like Derek but his facial expressions come from me. A villainous scowl, a mischievous yet goofy grin. It's really weird to see yourself or your spouse in your child. It's like, "We made that? Weird." Everyone sees something different in him. Some are convinced he looks like me - others see he is entirely Derek's mini-me. Derek and I also strangely look alike, so... there's that. Whoops!
At two months, I don't really feel like my life has changed. I know that must be hard to believe, but I still feel entirely like myself. I don't feel like "a parent" yet and I think Hawk is doing a really great job adapting to our life. We keep the mindset that we are training or educating him; that we are teaching him how to be a little person in our home. And that really helps. It changes how we do things or show him things. I always find myself saying, "Can you imagine feeling the wind on your face for the first time?" or "Imagine your very first fart?" or "Imagine eating sweet potato for the first time?"
Hawkey is still on formula, but I catch myself imaging all the things he will discover and what that must feel like. Wearing pants for the first time! Listening to Beyonce for the first time! You get it.
I'm feeling more bonded to him as the days go by, but I do think sleeping better helps. It's hard to be excited about anything when you're so exhausted - and he was never a horrendous sleeper. I can't even imagine those parents with colicky children.
Derek hates that I call him Hawkey, but it just sort of happened. And I'm pretty sure it's a sign he'll be a great hockey player like his dad. Hawk snores a lot, cranes his neck to watch TV while he eats, loves eating with his Grammie on the deck, loves the lake (obvi) and sports some serious bandana-bibs all the time.
In a nervous new mom moment, I noted how all my friends' babies seem to have toys around them in every photograph. My baby literally never has toys. I never even realized it, but then I found myself worrying I was depriving him of something. I, of course, googled what your kids should play with at two months and concluded every bit of information out there is ridiculous and you just have to go with what works for you.
Hawksley has a great library of books that I try to read to him, but he's never super interested. I've been toying with turning one of my short stories into a novel, so the other day in an attempt to try something different, I read him a few pages of one of my books, that obviously has no pictures so a baby should be totally bored by it. But he watched me the entire time and I swear he understood. It was our first little magical connection.