We've made it to the three month mark with Hawk, so to celebrate we let him do his favourite thing: spend time at the lake! It's amazing how well-behaved he is in the wilderness. My little outdoorsman! It was the first time for him to meet some of my closest friends who don't live as near as we'd like them to. The weekend was extra magical, little Hawksley Storm casting his spells and making the weather as moody as he wanted. There was a serious lightning storm and we almost got stuck there with the harsh rain. Fine by me!
Derek and I keep saying that Hawksley is finally starting to enter his "cool clothes" phase. He's received so many nice things - including his own baby moccasins from Fort Whyte Alive! Moccasins are super important to me for extreme coziness. Just look at his cute constellation onesie and Sagittarius pants! (He's a Gemini)
Remember my grumpy little gus? No more, my friends. Hawksley is the smiliest bambino ever. He reacts to everything, cooing like the little flirt that he is. Every time a pretty man or woman gives him attention he coos and purrs like a little kitten. He's a ham, just like his dad. But that ever-infectious scowl has not fully parted. He can furrow his brows like nobody's business. Like, how can a baby cock only ONE eyebrow? I have no idea.
It's so strange to watch him transform. He is such a mix of me and Derek. It's bizarre when a baby starts to show his personality. In the early months parenthood is a pretty unrewarding job, but when your baby starts reacting to you - things change quickly. I still don't really feel "like a parent" but I mean... if I'm just babysitting someone else's baby it's seriously been a long time and I should probably give him back by now. I can't explain why the title "mom" doesn't just attach itself to me like it does to everybody else.
I feel as though it has taken me two-to-three months to really bond with Hawk. That immediate bond that I was expecting from fairy tales didn't happen for us. I didn't know him, and a part of me felt like I didn't even want to get to know him. Of course, I felt terrible saying or even thinking that but I was so exhausted from the intense experience my body had just gone through - and exhausted from a permanently interrupted sleep schedule. I was missing my old life! Patience was never something I had much of and it was beginning to feel like I had no patience at all.
But it was sometime after his two month vaccines that I missed him in a different way. I enjoy working and have taken on a lot of side projects during my maternity leave. But bringing him to my mom's for the day had me really missing him on the drive back into the city. It was mostly a surprising feeling to me. I would drop him off and instantly wish I hadn't. In the mornings I can't wait to see him (if he hasn't kept me up all night), and I live for his smile and four dimples.
I drive myself crazy trying to maintain my freelancing life. I help Derek out with his business and take care of our baby when Derek is at work. But taking care of the house, making sure the fridge is stocked and dinner is made - and trying to regain a pre-baby body is a combination of tasks I have no business in handling well. I thought I was busy running a harried lifestyle before baby, but I had no idea just how insane it would get. I have a hard time falling asleep at night because I'm running through the lists of things I need to do the next day. Counting sheep? Not a chance.
The other thing that's really different is I just can't be spontaneous. If I have plans with someone, and the plans change, I'm so flustered that I can't adapt. The plans are just cancelled. I find my friends with kids totally understand this, but my friends without kids don't quite get it. It does make me feel a bit isolated from them, and that I'm not cool because I can't adapt and be as carefree and spontaneous as they are. Traipsing out to the lake requires so much planning just to make sure I don't forget anything - and there is SO MUCH baby stuff you have to bring. It's gross. I was so embarrassed when the boat pulled up to the dock this weekend to pick us up and there I was standing in the middle of all our bags, bassinets, baby chairs, diaper bags and coolers.
I'm also coming to the realization of just how harsh my body was treated and that I may not ever be the same. I'm destroyed with stretch marks, and much heavier than I'd like to be. It's pretty jarring on the self-esteem, so I've made a point to do more things just for me. Things that make me feel good and make me feel feminine. Like haircuts, pedicures and a stocked cabinet full of lotions.
With all our babygear, Derek and I might be ready to make the move to the country. Our little house suddenly feels too tiny - and that might just be 'cause we're both chubbier with baby weight! So we're currently debating if we're ready to pack up our things and buy our forever home on some nice land. Hopefully by Hawksley's four month anniversary, we'll be thinner, healthier, and celebrating autumn from our own acreage. I can't wait to start making him baby food!
Hawksley loves staring up at his dreamcatchers above his bed and he still really loves his Jets soother. He's had physio because he has a flat spot on his head and he turns purple when he poops. He's got a serious pair of shoulders on him and it's wild to think he will one day be a big man like Derek. I can't go to Joe Fresh without getting him something and I can't wait to start taking him to events and places so he can start to learn about his heritage.
Like. I'm raising a human. That's so so messed up. HIS CHEEKS ARE EVERYTHING!