Vanessa Kunderman, Rogue Wood Supply

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Hawksley's four month

It's hard to believe we've reached the four month mark. I'm also halfway through my maternity leave, which is giving me a bit of the feelings. I have maintained a somewhat active freelance life (I love projects!) throughout Hawksley's first season of life and a part of me is worried I might regret that later. I don't know. We're still figuring out this whole "family" thing and I'm doing the best I can to figure out what works for us. I think we're doing OK though. We're starting "to get" it, you know? It's me who's becoming more and more pensive. It's also Hawksley's second Mercury Retrograde (he was born in the last one) so maybe we're just coming into a new phase together.

Every morning that I wake up, I look forward to seeing Hawk. It's like a new boyfriend; when you first start dating and you see his name on your phone from a text? It's like that. It's that feeling. Hawksley wakes up just after Derek leaves for work and coos out to me from his room. Sometimes he will do that for an hour, just making the most ridiculous sounds as he finds his voice... and I'm too tired to get out of bed. It's so much better than waking up to his crying. The moment I walk into his room and he sees me, his eyes disappear because his smile is so big - crinkle eyes! Just like Derek! Then he naps in his swing for another two hours. So. We're getting a lot of sleep in this house, because Hawk is doing about 8PM - 8/9AM. 

I spoke to someone this weekend who has an eight month old, and he said that he and his wife are still waking up every three hours with their daughter. Hawk started doing his nights at two months, and I literally can't fathom being dog tired for eight months straight. So, thank you for liking to sleep Hawksley.

And for liking your bath. You friggin' love your bath. It is the best.

He's also become a bit of a tank. I don't know what happened but from three to four months is where I've noticed the biggest change in Hawk. Shortly after my last post about him, he just had a massive growth spurt and he's wearing his six-to-nine month clothes. He's about 16 pounds but he's long. Derek and I have some really tall genes in our family, and I'm pretty sure based on Hawksley's legs and massive hands that he isn't going to be a small boy.

He also has inner thigh rolls and they're the best.

Every time someone meets him they comment on his eyebrows... they're dark and defined. And I'm a littler nervous about it because I don't even notice that he has big eyebrows for a baby so I wonder WHAT ELSE I don't notice about him. We've entered the honeymoon phase now, and I can no longer tell if something is funny about him. I mean, he's hilarious, but if he looks funny - I can't tell. I just think he looks like a mini Derek.

He squeaks and coos and says "mum" but I have yet to hear a big belly laugh. Derek and I spend evenings just talking about what his laugh might sound like. We're gross. I know we're gross. Hawksley Storm will be asleep in his car seat while we're driving somewhere and we'll be talking about him. Like come on mom and dad. Get a life outside your baby.

We also no longer have names. We're just "mum and dad" and not Derek and Vanessa. Like, I call Derek dad, too. It's so bizarre.

Hawksley watches me a lot. Whenever I look over and catch him watching me, I smile at him and he always gives me one of his big crinkley-eyed smiles back. It's a really different experience once your baby starts to respond to you - starts to "give something back" to you - even if it only is awareness. It seems I always know just how to hold him when he's upset, (even though he hardly ever is) or what he needs when he's cranky. It's very weird. It's like, "Well oh yeah. Your sock's too tight. Duh. Let's take that off."

He's started cereal because he's a monster and he is obsessed with his jolly jumper. When I lift him in it to hook it up to the actual spring...I swear that's his favourite part - floating through the air. He squeaks and screams and kicks his little legs like crazy. Every time he's excited actually, he kicks his legs like a little machine. I do that, too. It's weird! It's neat to see his personality unfold and that he's a person.

Sometimes I look at him - and this is graphic so I'm sorry - and I'm like, "At one point, Hawk was just Derek's sperm. THAT'S SO FUCKED UP. NOW HE'S A PERSON." And I can think about that for hours and just be in awe over what the human body can do. It still doesn't feel real that I even birthed him.

All my heart follow ups for my cardiomyopathy are next week and I'm feeling a little nervous about them. I haven't been feeling my best lately, and for a cancer survivor, a headache, a twitch, a sore side, an itchy chest - you always think, "Oh my god; it's cancer." You can't escape that fear, and it's a really awful way to live. Regardless of the news next week, my mortality seems scarier now that I'm not a single. I find I worry for Derek a lot and worry about how he and Hawksley would get a long if something happened to me. I'm more careful. I was never reckless, but it's a strange shift. I think twice about things now because my well-being is not the only one that is important to me. I mean, yes, I cared about other people before, but when we're young and single, we really only truly care about ourselves and what's best for us. I can see how people begin to compromise aspects of their life because seeing specific people around them be happy is rewarding in an inexplicable way.

I still feel selfish. I still have my goals, wants and things I hope for, but I weigh their importance differently now. I don't know. It's all new. I keep hearing myself saying slow down because I know when I go too hard, bad things happen to my health. But how do you tell a new mom that?

We've put our little French house up for sale, too. So maybe Hawksley's first Christmas will be out in the country in our forever home, with a crackling fire and a freshly chopped pine tree from our own yard sparkling with decorations. That would be cool. Oh man... He's going to seriously need some new clothes by then. BABY KNITWEAR IS TOO MUCH GOOD!

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